Land of Lyanniera
by GrosewithaD
Summary: A satire on the traditional fairy tale. A Lady, Katelyn, is captured by a monster and trapped in a light house, awaiting her charming knight to come and rescue her.
1. Chapter 1

And They All Lived Happily Ever After?

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful young girl named Katelyn. She was the daughter of the Earl of Bartholomew and lived in a modest estate in a wooded area. Her life, while not without its problems, was, for the most part, a happy existence, and she had few complaints.

However, her life was not to go on along the carefree path she longed it to, for while she was picking berries for her mother's pie, she was taken by the evil, horrible monster named Fuzzy Phil. He was a short dwarf-like creature, with huge blonde hair, and he took Lady Katelyn to the Lighthouse of Surprising Darkness. (Surprising since one would expect that lighthouse would be light.) He locked her away in the middle room of this dreary, dark lighthouse, and she could not escape because the lighthouse was on the peak of the dreaded Cliffs of Incredible Steepness, and her window overlooked these cliffs.

Therefore, since the lovely Katelyn was locked up in this light house for many months, she began to feel depressed and suicidal, and so when she felt she could bear this despondent life no longer, she stood at the window of her middle room of the Lighthouse of Surprising Darkness at the top of the dreaded Cliffs of Incredible Steepness ready to fling herself out of the window.

However, as she was about to commit her act of self-murder, she noticed a man climbing the Cliffs of Incredible Steepness. She paused, waiting to see who the mysterious cliff climber was, and as she watched him climb, she held her breath not daring to hope that it was her beloved. As he neared the top of the cliffs, she saw with a gasp that indeed it was her beloved, her knight in shinning armor. (Although he wore no armor, for it would interfere with his climbing.) She could barely believe it; Sir Danny the Sly had come to rescue her from the evil, horrible monster Fuzzy Phil, and although he possessed no sword, Lady Katelyn believed that he could rescue her. So she waited patiently for him to burst through the door and take her away from her prison.

A week later, Katelyn had again come to despair, for Sir Danny had not come through the door, and she believed him to be dead and believed that she had no one left to save her. Therefore, she again found her self at her window ready to end all of her troubles, and as she was about to throw her body from the light house and dash her head against the blunt hard rocks below, Sir Danny the Sly, after winning a long card game with the monster Fuzzy Phil over Lady Katelyn, charged in and cried, "No my beautiful Lady, do not kill yourself! I have come to save you!"

Katelyn jerked herself about and nearly fell from the window, but Sir Danny, with surprising swiftness, ran forward and caught her before she could fall any further. He held her in his arms for a time before releasing her, but when he let her go she threw her arms about his neck and gave him a long, but not necessarily lingering, kiss and whispered "Thank you for saving me, Sir Danny."

He looked deeply into her eyes, then looked up at the ceiling and replied, "You are indeed very welcome, mi'lady and now I shall return you to your family. They have missed you as much as I."

Thus he took her home upon his humble steed, and they grew up and were married and lived not happily ever after, but as happily as two people can be. Likewise, most of the village peoples' lives ended well, for Danny had bested the monster with his superior card playing and all was well.

Yet one man's life was not so happily ended, for Sir Shawn the Earnest Yet Slow happened upon a castle to rescue the fair Lady Katelyn, for this is where he had supposed her to be. When he found it empty he began to feel distraught, and therefore consulted his book of common fairytales to see which castle was to contain the fair lady he so dearly loved. As he flipped through the pages of the ageless book he then realized his mistake, "Oh drat! Lighthouse not castle; I can't believe I had it wrong for _this_ long." Of course, when he came to the lighthouse, after his lengthy detour, he found that Lady Katelyn had already been rescued, for when he saw the monster he asked, "Why is Lady Katelyn not in her chamber? What have you done with her?"

Fuzzy Phil, feeling happy at last and at the poor knight's expense, replied, "Yer too late sir knight, for yer fair lady has already been _hied_ away by the _hatesome_ Sir Danny the Sly. I'd say yer a mite _unchancie (_unluckyNow get on _wi_' ye and leave me the well alone."

Sir Shawn the Earnest Yet Slow turned away, dropped to his knees, waved his fist, and cried, "Curse you, Sir Danny! Why?" So, he returned to his home and was teased mercilessly for many years to come, but even he live a somewhat happy ever after.

The End


	2. Chapter 2

And They All Lived Happily Ever After?

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful girl named Katelyn. She was the daughter of the Earl of Bartholomew and lived in a modest estate in a wooded area. Her life, while not without its problems, was a happy existence, leaving her with few complaints.

However, her life was not to go on along the carefree path she longed to travel, for whilst she was picking berries for her mother's pie, she was taken by the evil, horrible monster named Fuzzy Phil. He was a short, dwarf-like creature, with huge blonde hair, and he took Lady Katelyn to the Lighthouse of Astounding Darkness (astounding as one would expect a lighthouse to be characterized as a place of light). Fuzzy Phil locked the fair lady away in the very middle room of this dreary, dark lighthouse, and she could not escape as the lighthouse was at the peak of the dreaded Cliffs of Incredible Steepness, and her window overlooked these treacherous cliffs.

Therefore, since the lovely Katelyn was locked up in this lighthouse for many months, she began to feel depressed and suicidal; so it was that when she felt as though she could no longer bear this despondent life, she stood at the window of her middle room of the Lighthouse of Astounding Darkness at the top of the dreaded Cliffs of Incredible Steepness ready to fling herself out of the window.

However, as she was about to commit her act of self-murder, she noticed a man climbing the Cliffs of Incredible Steepness. She paused, waiting to see who this mysterious cliff climber was, and as she watched him climb, she held her breath not daring to hope that it was her beloved. As her neared the top of the cliff, she saw with a gasp that indeed it was her beloved, her knight in shining armor (although he wore no armor as it would interfere with his climbing). She could barely believe it; Sir Danny the Sly had come to rescue her from the evil, horrible monster Fuzzy Phil, and although he possessed no sword, Lady Katelyn believed that he could rescue her. So she waited patiently for him to burst through the door and take her away from her prison.

A week later, the fair and lovely Lady Katelyn had again fallen into despair, for Sir Danny the Sly had not burst through the door to save her, and she had begun to believe that he had been slain by the evil, horrible Fuzzy Phil, leaving no one left to save her. So it was that this fair, lovely, but rather inane lady found herself at her middle window again ready to dash her beautiful head against the blunt, hard rocks below, and as she was about to make her reckless leap from the window, Sir Danny the Sly, after winning a rather lengthy card game with the monster Fuzzy Phil over Lady Katelyn, charged into the room and cried out desperately, "No, my most beautiful Katelyn! Do not kill yourself! Here I am to rescue you!"

Katelyn, with a startled jump, whirled about and began topple toward the gaping window, but Sir Danny— with surprising swiftness— ran forward and caught her before she could plunge to her untimely death. As he held her in his arms, it seems as though the world had disappeared and time was limitless, and as he finally released her, Lady Katelyn flung her arms about his neck, clinging to him with desperate affection. When she tipped her head up to thank her gallant hero, her lips met his in a long but not necessarily lingering kiss. When the world resumed its natural orbit about the sun, Lady Katelyn whispered, "Thank you, Sir Danny. How can I ever repay you?"

Sir Danny gazed deeply into Lady Katelyn's chocolate-colored eyes, but at once being struck by the awkward forwardness of his gaze, thrust his head upward and stared into the ceiling before replying, "You have nothing for which to thank me, mi'lady. That you might return my undying love is payment enough. Now we must return to your family, for I do not doubt that they have begun to despair of ever seeing you again."

So it was that Sir Danny set the fair lady upon his humble stead and led her home, and they grew older and were married. So they were married and lived— not happily ever after— but as happily as two people can be. Likewise, the lives of the people in the surrounding villages were much improved as Sir Danny had bested the evil monster with his superior card playing and all was now well, for Fuzzy Phil— out of extreme embarrassment— had confined himself to his lighthouse.

However, there was one man whose life was not so happily ended, for this man, Sir Shawn the Earnest Yet Slow, happened upon a distant castle to rescue the fair Lady Katelyn, for this is where he had supposed her to be. When he found the castle quite empty, anguish began welling up inside of his heart, so with a heart filled with distress, he decided to consult his book of common fairytales to figure out which castle and villain held the fair Lady Katelyn captive. As he flipped through the pages of the ageless book, his mistake struck him between the eyes. "Curses!" He shouted slamming the book shut, "she is in a lighthouse not a castle. How could I have had this wrong for so long?"

Of course, when Sir Shawn the Earnest Yet Slow happened upon the Lighthouse of Surprising Darkness to rescue Lady Katelyn, he found that she had already been emancipated, for in his search for the fair lady, he found Fuzzy Phil and demanded to know what the foul creature had done with his fair lady.

Fuzzy Phil, feeling joy at last at the poor knight's expense, replies, "Yer too late sir knight, for yer fair lady has already been _hied_ away by the _hatesome_ Sir Danny the Sly" I'd say yer out o' luck. Now get on _wi'_ ye and leave me the well alone."

Sir Shawn the Earnest Yet Slow turned from the loathsome monster, dropped to his knees, waved his fist in the air, and cried in the torment of one who has lost a woman to another man, "Curse you, Sir Danny!" So he returned to his home and was teased mercilessly for many years to come, but even he managed to live a somewhat happy ever after.

The End


End file.
